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Captain Awkward
27 June 2011 @ 12:16 pm
uh, so. hi friends!

it's been about 4 months since my last update. and it's not that i haven't considered posting something, like i haven't opened this page and stared at the cursor, waiting for it to tell me what to write. i have. i just haven't known what to post.

i've been pretty sad this year, friends. post-student life is crazy unstable. i've been living in fear of the day when i realize i will have to move back in with my dad (and leave my life, my friends, my livelihood, the only place i've ever felt at home, etc etc), and every time i think about having to leave this place i get anxious and depressed. yea, so it turns out that no one in the job market actually gives a single fuck about me and my bachelor's degree. it's completely worthless in the real world, without work experience. but i can't get work experience because no one wants to hire me. the awesome cycle of post-school disillusionment.

that said, i haven't spent the entire 4 months being sad/feeling sorry for myself/drowning my sorrows in marijuana and streaming television. just most of it. ;)

the rest of the time i spent learning about myself and how i operate without guidance. i've spent this time reading inception fanfiction, watching the good wife and parks and recreation and modern family and criminal minds.

i also got back with jeni, and then re-broke up with her, lols. that was pretty great. there is something so great, so calm and so compatible about the two of us. for a while there, it was nothing but sweet communication, great sex, vegan food, emotional support, and smokin weed. lol ideal relationship or what? but, and this is something i've only recently re-learned about myself, i ruined it. >.>

i'm the kind of person that looks for reasons to pull away from people. i wait and search for signs that this person (whoever it may be at the time) does not deserve/cannot handle me and my drama and my feelings. i have a lot of feelings, friends, and i think you know that best of all. so i had a little emo fit and was walking through life pretending i wasn't feeling completely raw and hurt and not at all okay with this circumstance of emotional vulnerability that i had somehow gotten myself into unprepared. jeni, sweet awesome jeni, initiated a conversation about the distance between us, and i didn't know what to say. i felt more cornered than anything, and said anything to get out of having to dig through the mess of my numerous feelings and actually confront the fact that i was terrified. i told her i didn't trust her to handle me and my shit. this wasn't necessarily a lie, because i am always afraid/insecure that i will be too much for people. but it always wasn't so much the truth, considering the fact that i did and do trust her. she handled a lot of my drama/self-hatred/anxiety/depression in those 2 months, and was level-headed and sweet and helpful throughout all of it. so i maybe walked away just to get away from having to grow as a person. i'm contemplating e-mailing her.

i don't know what will happen, but i've been honest lately and it's been doing wonders for me. my commitment to truth-telling has opened up this connection with myself, in listening to myself, eating when i'm hungry, stopping when i'm full, sleeping when i'm tired, giving myself alone time when i need it, giving myself a break when i need it, and shit like that. i feel like a coherent person almost, man. shit is nuts! i only wish my intuition would point me towards some ways to pay my rent~~

sarah asked me last night how i felt, what with my birthday coming up in a couple days(!). and suddenly all of this positivity and excited energy was spilling out of me. i am totally excited to be 23. i am totally excited to be getting older and learning more about the world and myself. i am excited to fuck shit up and disturb the supposed natural order of things. i am excited to connect with new people and reconnect with people i already know. i'm excited to perhaps be employed soon! to perhaps finish learning to drive soon! to perhaps learn to play the drums soon! i am excited about who and where i am right now (and i haven't felt this way in quite some time), and hearing myself say those words got me even more excited. i feel ready. let's do this!

so. you know. i'm good. =) how are you????????
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: the longest road -- morgan page and deadmau5
Captain Awkward
24 February 2011 @ 06:30 pm
lj, i am feeling very tired.

i cut off my beard and took out my lip rings.

i haven't sat and explained it to anyone, online, via text or in person. because it makes me feel sick.

everytime i think about or look at photos from not very long ago

i feel like bawling.

i guess i haven't explained it to anyone because i feel embarrassed. embarrassed that i had actually believed i wouldn't have to compromise in this way? embarrassed because i gave in to wackass societal pressures? embarrassed because i know i will start bawling if ever i try to explain it (kinda like i am now)? embarrassed because it took me this long to get rid of my pride? embarrassed because i don't know how to explain that this isn't just pride? embarrassed because i'm oversensitive and way too attached and too weak to handle life in general?

i don't know. probably all of the above.

i just feel sick. and so fucking tired.

short angst-filled entry is short and angst-filled.
Captain Awkward
16 February 2011 @ 02:27 pm
taken from catchmelike

Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Feel free to ask about anything and I'll tell you the premise or paste you a tidbit for any of these.

((the following are all panic fic, despite some indications of otherwise))
cal vs stanford v2
christmas au
csi bandom crossover!
degrassi au
girl!bden and girl!ryan
hs brencer ftw
incubus fic
the one where brendon moves around a lot, falls in love a lot, and punches a lot of people in the head
the one where spencer goes to cal and has a crush on a douchey stanford boy

my csi wips that are all part of the same series because i could not figure out which pov to follow:
warrick is late
nick is early
greg is nervous

and the rest are oldass lp wips:
anyone but you; brand new untitled; camille; chester is bored out of his fucking mind; c-jbackinthedayfic; escape; faint (lollllllllllllllll first lp fic with plot, what?); fishesfic; it started the same as any of his other relationships; lol; lp csi au; mad world; mike calls chester a whore; mike rolls his eyes for the hundredth time today; nanowrimo attempt 2008; new fic; newer fic; omfg untitled; overheard; para krystelle; para mansi; rob is alone; sixteen candles; superhumanlpfic; the fifth; titleless fic; uhm, teh buttsecks; you're unbelievable
Tags: ,
Current Music: highway - system of down
Captain Awkward
17 January 2011 @ 02:10 am
the more time passes, the easier it is to just... not update. and yet I still feel compelled to post something. idk. hi friends, should you happen to stumble across this. =)

2011 has begun and I frankly have not faced the reality of it quite yet. it's kinda crazy, and I still don't say it too loudly in case the fates decide to take it back, but I'm done. with school. and it is awesome. how crazy is it that I left here four years ago and am back, with a degree, chillin at the dining room table in my pajamas on the internet at 1 am. it's amazing how so many things change while others stay pretty much the same.

and now that I'm done with school? people keep asking, and it makes me anxious every time: what will I do now? i haven't the slightest clue, truthfully. I know I've got my shiny little bachelor's degree and get to throw around the name *~UC Berkeley~* around for the rest of my life, but what am I actually going to do with it? my grades fucking sucked and frankly, I barely graduated. but I did. and I'll be paying back the loans for the rest of my life, so again i ask: what now?

I don't know. my main concern currently is finding a way to pay my rent and bills and buy food; all other desires have fallen to the wayside. I have serious concerns about how far my sad, desolate resume will carry me. I also have serious concerns about being able to find a place where I will be allowed to appear as I appear (the afro and beard are not things i plan on changing anytime soon, and ideally I would be able to keep my piercings as well). I keep hearing conflicting advice on the matter, which is not helping. some people are dead set on me changing everything about my appearance (and coincidentally returning to being the little girl they once knew), and maintain that I will not be bale to find anything as I am. this same group of people lives in southern california, where the rules of appearance apply more intensely/differently than they do in the bay.

the other group, which i want to believe but somehow just can't, think I'm totally fine as I am and things will be just fine~~

I'm just not optimistic enough to believe them, I suppose. the fact of the matter, though, is that there are hella people with ink and metal all over them, and even more srs/extreme body mods. i see them every day in the bay, on the bus/train, on the street, riding their bikes, at the grocery store, everywhere. not all of these people are jobless. not even most of them are. there is hope for someone like me. I just don't know how to really get a grasp on that hope and use it to help me survive the inevitably soulsucking spiritbreaking process that is job hunting. dootdoot.

this is all that is happening in my life right now. and it's not even happening right now. I'm waiting until I return to the bay to do all of this. probably a mistake, but ah well.

I have mostly just been smoking and overeating with friends since I've been done with school. it's been awesome, and I've actually been learning a lot about who I used to be, who I am and who I'd like to be. changes are in the works. I am excited about them, despite how much work these changes will require.

but. here I am.Collapse ) at the beginning of some new shit. the end of some other shit.

Current Mood: mellowchill
Current Music: empire ants -- gorillaz ft. little dragon
Captain Awkward
02 January 2011 @ 04:02 am
hey friends! i'm back. i'm in the process of unpacking and decompressing, but i think it's safe to say updates will be more frequent from here on out. =)

i wouldn't feel right starting the new year without doing this. 2010 surveyCollapse )
Current Mood: refreshedready
Captain Awkward
17 August 2010 @ 12:15 am
my updates this month will apparently be sporadic at best.

i LOVE oakland. i love living here. i love the people here. i love the crazy hill i had to walk up getting home from safeway today. i love the queers and people of color and classy white people and all the crosses between that i see every day. i am so happy here, real talk. i would be happier if i had a bike, but that is neither here nor there.

yesterday macio had a clothing swap. i haven't the slightest idea how to talk about macio without sounding like an absolute fangirl, but the truth is that macio is pm the coolest person i know. she practically runs Ships in the Night, the queer dance party i'm always dancing my ass off at. she has a dred-hawk. she knows about everything cool and queer that is happening. she knows the sexiest womyn in the bay area, no lie. macio's the dopest chick, enough said. and somehow i ended up friends with her (i blame chloe, frankly). she seems to be under the impression that i'm cool, and i don't want to correct her, lols.

anyway, clothing swap. everybody brought clothes, put them out in piles, and grabbed some stuff they wanted. the result: i walked up with a bag full of clothes i haven't worn in at least two years, and walked away with the dopest shit, all worn by the dopest oakland queers. and the most gorgeous womyn were there. i can't say enough about it. i'm working on being less awkward, because my awkwardness is always read as coldness/disinterest/aloofness, and that's rly, RLY not me. at any rate, i have the dopest blazer that totes reminds me of cher from Clueless. like, i feel like i need to be wearing a pleated skirt and knee-high socks and some fuckin oxfords just to be worthy of wearing it. can't wait to queer it. =D

i explained tumblr to sarah the other day and we have decided that fuck yeah black dykes is our actual favorite place on the internet. so. fucking. amazing.

i LOVE living with sarah. first of all, it's amazing to only be sharing a bathroom, living room and kitchen with one other person (as opposed to the 2-4 of eric's place). also, eric's not here to be a douche to me, and i don't have to hear him being a douche to his family. then there's the feeling of dude, this is my* place. like, this is my* cabinet. these are my* dishes. this is my* living room floor. this is my* internet those things all by themselves would be enough to sate me, but i actualfax love living with sarah. we sat the other day and seriously talked for like 3 hours about privilege and our lives. it was the dopest shit. i'm so appreciative of our situation, seriously.

((*by 'my' i mean 'mine and sarah's' of course))

aaaaand i'm just realizing that i've posted like NO PHOTOS this year. here, have someCollapse )


have a great night, friends. ♥
Current Mood: lazylazy
Current Music: we'll be alright -- travie mccoy
Captain Awkward
04 August 2010 @ 12:15 pm
hey friends. sarah and i moved in sunday and are still without internet. it's driving us both crazy, but we're surviving thus far.

money and school problems are weighing me down pretty badly right now. feeling like a breakdown is on its way. i suppose it's right on time, being that finals for summer school are next week. i am nothing if not composed of patterned behavior.

it's been so long that i have literally forgotten how to write here.

i am constantly finding myself unable to just keep up, you know? i'm constantly a step behind. and in 3 weeks i'll be taking more classes than i ever have at once. i'm freaking out. i don't know how i'm supposed to manage. i don't know if i'm going to be able to do this. fees have reached new heights and show no signs of slowing down, and i can't fucking afford to stay any longer than december. i'm already going to be paying back loans for the rest of my sorry life and i just don't know if i can handle all of this shit.

the tap water in my apartment isn't very clean. it doesn't taste good and my nipple is getting infected from being soaked in that water.

my bed arrives this evening between the hours of 5pm and 9pm, which is great! except for how i don't have internet and can't do my online spanish homework, which is due at midnight tonight. not to mention i still haven't the slightest clue what performance i will do for my other class. so much hatred for like, everything.

chloe is prob not coming back. she said that she would come back for pride and she wasn't able to. she said she would move back as soon as she was able, and now she is not. i support her and i know she has to do what she has to do, but i don't know how to shut up the part of me that is angry and feeling abandoned and hopeless. it just makes me so fucking angry because i went a really fucki9ng long time here in the bay area without being dependent on anyone, and suddenly someone i think i can count on appears and seduces me into this stupid sense of security, only to wander off again. i know that's now what she actually did. and i know she's not happy to be away from me either, but i just feel so fucking sad and irritated and tired.

    and before i start weeping in the damn library, let's make a list of positive things!
  • i live in oakland! my new place is awesome! i have wayyy too much shit and not nearly enough storage space (shelves, bookcases, side tables, other things i can't afford) to put it in. so basically all of my shit is still in boxes. oh, that's not positive. uhhhhh i am happy at the new apartment. we are having a housewarming party saturday. =)

  • i've been trying new things with my hair! twist-outs are awesome! my hair is growing a lot faster and it's a lot less hassle in the morning than trying to pic it into something that isn't flat on one side.

  • i'm on my way to becoming a Cool Oakland Queer. i know some people, and am not completely awkward around them.

  • genne and i are finally on good terms again. long story. but it's really nice to be able to talk about old shit with her. it's really interesting to be reminded of how much of a jerk i was to her... i seriously told her that i would break up with her if she didn't go to college. i was an obnoxious 16 year old, apparently. lols.

  • if all goes well, i will be in possession of a new Linkin Park album, a new Panic! at the Disco album, AND a new My Chemical Romance album within the next 6 months. how sick would that be? (to be fair, panic and mychem haven't exactly announced release dates, but both have said on twitter that they're pm done recording!)

  • i bought myself some awesome shoes for my birthday. they bring me joy every day. they bring other people joy. they're GREAT shoes.

  • going salsa dancing with my spanish class friday. should be fun. =)

take care of yourselves, friends. <3
Current Mood: moodymoody
Current Music: es mentiroso -- olga tañon
Captain Awkward
hi friends! summer has been kinda cray thus far and it still feels like i haven't had a chance to breathe quite yet.

it's been really hard to be back in berkeley without chloe. i just terribly, terribly miss her. it's the bay area, and i love it (forlife), and all of the same awesome shit is going down, but i just don't feel the need to go out and experience it. in my free time i'm mostly just chillin in my room watching buffy online. there's nothing wrong with that, of course (except megavideo's 72 minute time limit, and just what the fuck is that about anyway??), but i don't really want to do anything or go anywhere because i don't know who i can count on to go with me. and suddenly my self-confidence halves itself and i can't talk to anyone and i just want to go back to when we would come home from class and decide to buy four locos at 711 and smoke a bowl and be our ridiculous selves, you know?

but time doesn't go backwards, and i'm dealing with it.

spanish class is difficult as hale. it is moving at the speed of sound, and as soon as i'm understanding what we're doing, i'm already meant to be understanding something else. it is hectic! and every day! but on the other hand, i'm learning a lot and it's kinda exciting. =) i'm a lot better at understanding spanish than actually trying to form sentences that make sense. the challenge is probably good for me, or something. i talk too much, and now i'm being forced to actually think relaly hard about what i'm trying to say. maybe this is a life lesson in hiding~~

pride came and went, with so much chill awesomeness. i was concerned about how things would play out, since i was kinda sad in the days leading up, and actually ended up not going to trans march (whack). but things turned out really well. i knew it would when krystelle and krystal and william showed up at about 3am saturday morning and we smoked a bowl in my room, in awe of the weekend ahead of us. having a bit of long beach here with me was really amazing, and i'm so glad they got to come.

dyke march was, as ever, filled with the most beautiful amazing womyn to ever exist ever. it's just like, so many people came from all over the fucking place, dressed in whatever way they felt they looked their best/queerest/gayest, and walked around this park where there's just music and drinking and smoking and laughter. it never fails to surprise and amaze me.

i didn't get up to much on my birthday, and i don't think i'll be doing anything this weekend either. eh. i hung out with kory and erlinda at the park, smokin and eating cheese and coolin it in the sun. it was fun. lauren came and brought me flowers and heart-shaped cookies! we later attempted to make a gravity bong: fail. but that was okay. =)

sarah and i got the apartment, oh shiiiit! we're going prob next friday to sign the papers and ish, and good goddess i'm hella juiced! it all feels so adult and real and awesome. i have been going to sleep recently, excitedly thinking about how i'm going to pack all of my stuff. just so we're clear, this should in no way be an exciting prospect. i have SO. MUCH. STUFF. but i just can't wait to put it all away and unpack it all again in a new place that is really, truly mine. a place that's part of my ~adult years~ and is my dreams from long ago realized. i'm overly excited, can you tell? OAKLAND HERE I COME.

things are good. =) now if i could watch less buffy and learn more spanish, things would be great. (and if chloe were back, it'd be perfect. but you can't always get what you want). i'm living, and working to get the most out of every beautiful new day. it's pretty great. take care of yourselves, friends. ♥
Current Mood: relaxedrelaxed
Current Music: regulate -- warren g
Captain Awkward
sup, hi! it is my birthday so i will post a gratuitous photo of myself and wish you all a great day!!

(they never shoulda given me a webcam, lols. i feel that every occasion is an occasion to play with my webcam.)

have a wonderful day, friends! so much love. ♥

((also? i had forgotten what a difference it makes to start my day off with an orgasm. i was fallin out of my seat with energy today. i need to do this every morning - spanish has been rough))
Current Mood: energeticenergetic
Current Music: we'll be alright -- travie mccoy
Captain Awkward
28 June 2010 @ 07:18 pm
sometimes happy fic makes me weep at the end. i'm sososo glad the characters found their way/fell in love/overcame adversity/got a clue, but then i just wonder when life is ever actually that beautiful.

[/lame barelybuzzed confession]